Dead Mom Day

Mother’s Day to some, but to me it’s Dead Mom Day. I just can’t help making fun of the painful shit in my life. Coping is coping. I’m not crying in a corner until I barf every day, so I think it’s a win. I can talk about her without jokes too, so that’s my gauge on health.

The thing no one ever told me about—or thought to mention, or whatever their reasons were—my face. My own face. I have times now when I don’t like looking at it. It looks too much like her. Haunted by my own face. So poetic. 😆 It actually sucks. Sometimes it’s comforting. I miss talking to her. I can pretend I’m talking to her in the mirror if I want. I haven’t gotten that ducky yet, but I’m sure I will someday.

I really kick my own ass a lot for liking my mom. We were actually friends. It’s pretty annoying. I think mom death sucks even if you don’t get along with her, but it seems extra stupid when you did.

One thing I knew this trip would bring out is grief. I knew I was doing something big. Something that my family would support. Something that I could do because we sold my grandparents’ house. To be honest, that has been the biggest death. It’s all of them. It’s all the memories. Houses really connect you to people.

I’m not saying anything new. I’m just saying the words people say when they think about stuff like this.

I’m thankful for that, even in the sadness. I’m glad that I’m the type that can let more than one thing be true. I’m pretty sure it’s one of the main ways I’ve survived all of this.

I know that I couldn’t stay there. I know it was killing me. I also know how dramatic that sounds, but it’s true. I can really say I tried everything. Every cool, magical roll of the hills of Scotland I’ve been able to see is because I walked away from that place. That makes it real.

I never liked the saying that people use about good things coming from bad things. Not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment—I do. It just conjures some thought in me of worth and trading one for the other. There are times in life that happens, but so often, it’s both and stays both. I know good things have happened because I left. I know there will be more. I also know I’ll never really be okay with giving it up.

It was a way to keep a space that was made holy to me by my family. That really should be kept. I’m not mad at myself about it. I did what was best. But I wanted to have both, and there will always be that truth in my guts. I don’t hold it against me or anyone else—it’s just a bit that will remain.

I think that’s part of life. We all want to think things are so clear or one thing, and so, so many things are multitudes. Life is fucking complex, man.

I know that life will always be weird for me. Extra weird without all the people who grew me. That is what it is. I’m grateful that I had them. I’m grateful that I did something hard and essentially gave our place up. I will always hate that I did. I will always hate that they are dead.

That’s just part of giving a damn. The other part is imagining them here with me—looking out at this place that is so disgustingly magical that the photos don’t do it justice. My papa would shit his pants. My mom would laugh at how I picked the places I’ve gone to. My granny would love that I’m in a place with so much history and old shit. My dad would like that I have really kind people around.

I think they’d approve.
If not, I’ll never know, so they can bite me. 😆 Jokes!

This has been a big-ass ramble. No one will probably ever read it, so it’s fine. Just in case anyone does—here’s some juicy news.

This weird-ass trip has done its job. I mentioned injuring my knee again. It’s doing a bit better, but when I had to reimagine the trip, I had some realizations I didn’t expect. I don’t actually want to move here. At least not now, or full time.

I really love this place. It is truly worth the trip, and I’m glad I did it. But the knee thing reminded me that I don’t have as much ambition as I used to.

Living in the sticks by myself in Arkansas and having to rely on friends to stop by and help me taught me that living at a distance from people is not completely for me—even though I really like it.

So, I texted CJ and told him that I didn’t want to go through all the visa shit and asked if he and Libbey wanted a roommate. It was all HAHA to me, and then he called me. He said he’s not joking and I should move in.

So instead of moving to another country, I’m moving to a totally different part of the country that I’m too lazy to leave. I was really ready—even though I love it—but this has made me put it in more real terms.

I don’t want to be totally on my own in a new place. I guess I’ve done that long enough now.

I want to be around people who pick me and do cool things.

Colby and Tyler sweetened the deal by moving there too. I’ve always wanted to check out the PNW and thought it was too far. Now I’m like, whatever dude—Scotland is too far. 🤣

Because of the research I did for this trip, I know I can come back and go to other places. I’ve had good advice and good friends help me make good decisions and set myself up in a way that I can go on other trips down the line.

I don’t have to keep looking for the place that I want to live. If I want to live somewhere else later, I know that I can. I’m not trapped anymore.

My time in Jacksonville reminded me how nice it is to be in a community again. Going back full time didn’t really feel right, even though I really do love it. Florida is a weird-as-hell land in the best way, and I think I’ll always go back there.

I do still need a new thing. Spokane just makes the most sense right now. As soon as I talked to CJ, I felt a relief I haven’t had in months. Even when I thought about moving back to AB, I just didn’t have that gut feeling of right.

I thought that was weird, but I guess it’s just where I’m at. My time there confirmed how important those friendships are to me. I now call it home.

I’ll probably never go back to Arkansas, but I will always go back to Florida.

I’ll be heading back to AB at the end of this month to see people and hang with the Florida parents and make moving arrangements. Then I’m off to Spokane, where Libbey and CJ are already working on plugging me into the social pipeline.

I’m excited to spend time with them.

The icing on the cake for me is how much my family loved CJ. Both of my parents thought he hung the moon.

Being close to someone who knew them makes me happy.
Being close to someone who’s known me forever is really nice.

Tyler and Colby have walked through fire with me out there in the Arkansas wilderness. I’m excited to get a front-row seat to them rebuilding their own lives and doing whatever they want with it.

I’m so excited to be around friends like Libbey, who care deeply for the people around them and encourage me to do the same.

I think the dead family would approve.